Wednesday again. Oh how I wait to come here and unload my baggage and not have to see people looking at me funny. When I write to you dear diary, I imagine you are a great listener who says, “Speak my friend, nothing is too much for my ears to bear.” So as I write this, I imagine I am talking and you are listening and you will still love me no matter what. The joys of being a Christian, I have thousands of people that I see every Sunday and hundreds that I see during the week. To be among so many ‘friends’ and yet feel so alone. How do I say that I have been drawn into a sinful pattern that I just can’t get out of? How do I say that its like quicksand, the more I fight to get out the deeper I sink. How do I say that most times I enjoy my sin and look forward to it? How do I say I want to be good but being bad feels so much like a sweet and sour sauce, it’s nice with that zing that reminds me that I shouldn’t be doing it but sweet enough to keep me having more. No, I have to keep writing to you dear diary, you are the only one I can be naked and unashamed with.
Today, I had to find a place to hide and write this. I am hiding from Anthony. The cute guy in our Praise and Worship team who wants to date me. He has told Pastors E and R about it because Pastor E is the Pastor in charge of all church matters and Pastor R is the choir leader. We are encouraged to involve church leaders in our relationships so that they can give us Godly counsel. Today I knew he had an appointment to speak to Pastor E during his lunch break. He has to go through a few counselling sessions where he is asked about his intentions with me and is advised on how to handle everything in the right way. Once they are satisfied that his intentions are noble and that he has the maturity to date they will ask the female pastors to speak to me. If I agree to date him and they are satisfied that I have the maturity for it they will give their blessing and we can start hanging out. But we can only see each other in the precence of a third party, just to make sure that we don’t get tempted to fall into sin. Today, as always, Anthony will obviously want to have a glimpse of me before he leaves. So he will come to my desk and says hie, sometimes he brings something nice like a chocolate, the poor guy. For the life of me I cannot understand why I can’t just love a humble young man like that and settle down like other ladies in the church. Anthony is not bad looking at all and he has a good job, something to do with IT I think. He has no money to speak of yet but with time I’m sure he will build himself up and be very successful. And yet, here I am, hiding from him because being with him will compromise my treacherous relations with the men of the cloth. I guess I am just tired of waiting for the day that God will bless me. I know that Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” I just feel like “due season” has taken too long. I am not getting any younger so there are certain things that I have to go out there and “reap” for myself.
I always tell young girls in my church to trust God’s timing. They look up to me and they hang onto every word I say. I always encourage them to keep their legs together until they get married and they can have all the sexual adventures they want with their husbands. They usually ask me to be in their bridal teams when they tie the knot. They want to see the day I get married because they say a humble, beautiful and righteous lady like me deserves a great guy. Many are rooting for Anthony to win me. There are several guys who would want nothing more than to marry me. I am the symbol of a perfect woman of God at my church. Guess who else is rooting for Anthony?, none other than Pastor R!! Like really??? He says me being in a relationship with Anthony will be a good cover for us because people will not wonder who I have in my life that’s stopping me from having a relationship. On the one hand I like that he is so clever in his thinking but on the hand I am sad that he is not jealous. Wouldn’t he be sad to see another man claiming me? A part of me wants him to be mad and to forbid me from having anything to do with Anthony. But then again I am not his, am I? I signed up for 45 of so minutes of hot steamy sexual episodes with him and that’s all. I mustn’t let my heart be fickle. I promised myself that hearts will not be involved in this, only bodies, and I must stand by my word.
Pastor E seems unhappy about it. But then again what do I care, I wouldn’t want that sweaty, one-minute-man anyway. I guess we, human beings, have this irrational desire for things we can’t have.
Anyway, let me not continue with these thoughts because I really don’t want to spend the rest of today feeling bad about what I do. Last week, I wrote my entry when I was dashing to the shops for snacks. I came back to find the office full of women who were preparing to go for some church conference. There was a lot of admin to be done. I saw E furiously working through the paperwork. I could see that he was getting restless as the time drew closer to 4:30 because the Missus would come to pick him up and he wouldn’t get any of me. Part of me almost found it funny. The only thing that stopped me from laughing inside every time he looked at me with a desperate eye is the fact that I actually needed that one minute of passionless pounding because I needed money. A girl’s got to eat, right? Well, the women did not leave and they were in such high spirits, making jokes with him and him forcing himself to laugh while trying to keep the fire that was growing in his pants under control. The poor guy started to sweat more than usual. They finally left at the time that he was supposed to leave too. He just placed his bag on my desk and gave me a signal to put them in his bag. “them” meaning my panties. Sometimes sniffing “the scent of a woman” is all he can do to quench part of his thirst. Thanks to the fact that his wife never really pays attention to him so she would not take his lunchbox from his bag like some women do so that she can put his lunch for the next day. She does not really touch anything of his so she would not find my naughty little gift to her husband. Just as well he took them away, I was going to remove them anyway and wear lace for Pastor R. I didn’t get any money that day from E, there was no time. We did make up for it though the next day. He pounded furiously, out of the previous day’s frustration. I dare say I even felt a tickle that was almost building up to sexual pleasure but as usual, he finished too quickly.
So, about Pastor R. Oh is he a man and a half! He smells divine and there is something about his hands that just drives me completely out of my mind. Even during choir practice when he is conducting, I sometimes get lost in watching his hands. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he is so good with them. I mean, he knows how to play me like that Spanish guitar that Toni Braxton sings about. Then again it’s not just his hands that he uses well, it’s everything. Damn, how do some women get so lucky? Just the thought that Mrs R gets all that whenever she wants is unimaginable, I would lose it completely. That one weekly session has my head spinning for a couple of days. Sometimes when I’m with E in the storeroom I just imagine being with R and the experience feels better.
Last week I wore the lace panties and R saw that I was trying him. He knew what I was asking for. Didn’t he just tear them up and lifted me like I was lightest girl on earth and shoved me against the wall! I had sort of expected him to say something like why did you wear them but no, there were no words. I just puts my legs around his waist and welcomed him all in. He dug his fingers into my flesh deeper than was necessary to keep me up. He thoroughly punished me as he went back and forth with full force as if he was trying to drive me right through the wall. I welcomed my punishment with all its pain and pleasure. When he was done he didn’t let me down gently either. I had to find my own balance and had to take a minute to let all muscles come together after having legs apart and someone between them for so long. Oh yes, with R I always need recovery time. Even later during choir practice my body will be singing its own song. Last week I also had to go commando to choir practice because E took my one pair of undies and R tore up the other. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if judgement day suddenly came during choir practice and I had to go and face my creator with nothing under my skirt. I am really ashamed, yet I can’t stop.
After our session, during afterplay R told me that he would be away the following week, meaning today. He is away for some days on some romantic nonsense with his wife for her birthday. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me. I mean, the man is still resting from what he just did with me while he is telling me about his going away with his wife. I think this marriage thing is overated sometimes. He gave me more money than he usually does. I guess it was just a little compensation for not being able to see me the following week.
So there is no R today. Guess who leads choir practice when R is away? Anthony! What is it with me and these church leaders? So I am hiding from him now but I will be seeing him later. For now, I have to prepare for a storeroom session with E when Anthony leaves. He will have a bit of fire in him after speaking about me with Anthony. At least he gets jealous so I will try to make it nice for him.
Will my life always be about being a little happy that a married man is jealous of me? Or stolen moments with them and never be able to hold their hands in public? Must I just take Anthony and live on the straight and narrow and hope that he will satisfy me half as much as R does? Will I be happy with the honest life? Who knows. I guess one day at a time will have to suffice for now. And storeroom session for today it is…
Till next time…