Secret diary of a Christian whore. Entry #6

life lessons with Chipo Mutibvu

Dear diary

On Monday night I had a dream. In the dream, I was at a gathering where there was an enormous crowd and I was at the very back. Upfront, there was an alter and there was a man standing there in a dazzling white suit. I stood there trying to make sense of what was happening when some music came on and all of a sudden everyone looked back at me and started urging me to start walking “down the isle”. So this was my wedding day apparently! Everyone was yelling stuff like, “what are you waiting for?”, “what is wrong with her”, don’t you want to get married?”, “why did they invite us here if they are not serious?”. So I realised that this was the time for me to do my walk down the isle to my future husband. I wasn’t even sure who that was up there with the dazzling white suit. I looked down to see what my dress looked like but alas, there was no dress, I was naked!!! I couldn’t stop walking because people behind me where telling me to go forward and everyone kept looking at me going, “Why do you look surprised?” this is how you lived your life, shameless”, “Hey keep walking don’t waste our time”, “Who could have guessed what she was doing all this time!” I looked up and the groom turned out to be Anthony who kept smiling and looked so happy to see me. He didn’t even seem to notice that I was naked. The more I walked the longer the distance between us got. I just didn’t seem to get there. He kept on looking, kept on smiling and I kept on walking with confusion and embarrassment and the crowd kept on yelling comments. Eventually I realised that there was no way I was going to reach the alter because the distance kept increasing. I stopped and as I did, a man came out of the crowd and stood before me. He was wearing a white gown and he looked kind of superhuman. I suppose he was my idea of what God looks like. So just like that the whole thing turned into my judgement day. The man asked me if I was seriously going to go through it after everything I had done. I felt more naked than ever and the whole place went dead quiet. I just stood there wishing to disappear while everyone stared at me accusingly. After that, I have never felt so relieved to hear my alarm. So I woke up, completely stunned by how real the dream felt.

I went through the day yesterday in some kind of trance. Things happened around me and somehow I just went through it all of it like a robot. I avoided Anthony and told him that some friends were meeting me after wLife lessons with Chipo Mutibvuork so I couldn’t see him. Even Pastor E who doesn’t really do emotions asked me if something was wrong. I couldn’t really say what was wrong. I didn’t know how to put it into words because I wasn’t sure what really the matter. I understood that the most obvious thing there was guilt of taking Anthony, pure as he was, and defile him with my dirty past. Being a Christian I understand that if we really repent our sins are forgiven and we are given a clean slate to start on. I know that but reconciling it with my reality is just difficult. I am upping my game in prayer and trying to forgive myself and make a fresh start with a single man who can give me the right kind of attention. Yesterday I was busy trying to figure out a way to continue to put my past behind me and move forward. As I was doing that I received an email with my sister’s fees for next year. I have no way of affording it with my new life by the way but I decided to put it aside for now and focus on the present.

The truth is I can’t do it alone. I need someone to talk to. It can’t be someone   from church because I most definitely cannot spill the tea about my activities. The only two people that I can actually talk to are the man who I had my dirty deals with. I really really really have to talk to someone because I am confused and feel guilty. I am still deciding who between E and R to talk to about it. Maybe E because he poses the least temptation. I will try to talk to him today before he goes home because if R comes and I am still this mess, I know I might fall. Speaking of R, knowing that he is coming today and this is the day of the week that we would have done a marathon to last a week just makes me sad. Honestly, this living right is too much work. Anyway, I probably should start planning my talk with E about my dreams, my guilt and thoughts about the past. Wish me luck. I’m seeing all three of my men today and I must leave with one who has only shaken my hand and hasn’t stimulated anything in me. Wish me luck.

Till next time…

Secret diary diary of a Christian whore. Entry #5

life lessons with Chipo Mutibvu

Dear diary

I am the latest passenger on-board the “simple things in life are the best” train. I am now the girl who enjoys long walks from my flat to work so I can stop on the way and look at squirrels or exchange greetings with a stranger and get some exercise done since my gym membership is now officially cancelled. Who needs to use that much money on fuel to get to work daily anyway!  I am taking on new philosophies in life: money cannot buy you happiness, money is the root of all evil, there is more joy in giving than receiving… you know, the complete joy of living a low budget life. Wait, did I say “complete joy”? ok, maybe not complete but let’s hope for that in the future sometime.

So, as you may have guessed, I am really giving a relationship with Anthony a shot. Little anytime gifts that I have to get used to have gone from jewelry to bars of chocolate from supermarket checkout points. We haven’t started holding hands yet…talk about baby steps. Today we had a KFC lunch and after choir practice today, he is walking me home. Maybe we’ll feed some penguins and squirrels in the park. That is a whole 180 from me a couple of weeks ago don’t you you think? And here you were thinking I couldn’t be saved! Judge much?

Anyway, about choir practice, last week I ended off with a dilemma about what to do about Pastor R, that delicious looking man with the velvet hands…ooooh how will I ever do this “living right” without thinking about that! So, I did clean up and and waited for him. I kept telling myself that the cleaning up was really for me and of course I was going to see Anthony at practice. Well, I may or may not convinced myself, we’ll never really know why I took extra care but I was smelling and looking my best when he came. He complimented me about looking great but in an ambiguous way. It left me wondering whether it was an innocent compliment or not.  In “our day” he would have pulled me close and whispered the compliment into my neck but now I don’t know if he would have said just the same thing to anybody. Either he was testing the waters or I was just reading too much into it. I knew that his wife probably told him about me and Anthony. I wasn’t sure whether we had to sit down and have a meeting where we laid down a new law about repentance or if I should just pretend that “we” never happened and just start treating him as the Pastor that he was. We of course had a bit of time before anyone showed up so I was busy sorting out snacks for the choir team and he came and stood super close to me. Seriously, how can anyone be expected to overcome such? But….. I did. Well, for a little while at least. I stood my ground and told that man that I wanted nothing to do with this wretched life and that we had to stop. He stopped, looked me straight in the eye and apologised. He went into a heartfelt speech about how I was such a beautiful woman and that he wanted only what was the best for me. Anthony was the luckiest guy on the planet to get me. He took my hand, innocently wished me well, advised me to always value myself and congratulated me for saying no to him. He said that if I never needed anything I should just ask him without giving my body or anything. I was touched, I thanked him and we hugged. And then continued hugging. He kept saying that all was going to be well and the future would be bright for Anthony and I.Oh we hugged, we really really hugged. I wished I had worn a thinner bra so that I could at least feel his chest on my nipples for the last time. He may have stopped hugging at some point and I held on, I don’t know. BUT, calm down, I know what conclusions you must be jumping to right now. We finally let go and he left the office. I sat down and did not finish with the snacks until people started coming. I just set there, everything inside of me burning. I mourned him, us, the passion…Anyway, just like that..he was gone. Anthony commented on how quiet I was that day and I just told him that him and I getting close was still so new to me. I think he liked it, it made him think that I was melting inside and was getting all shy.

In case you are wondering about Pastor E, I know I said I would give him his money back so that I could start my anew without needing anything from him but that won’t happen anymore. I used part of it and thought I would return the rest but the rest is still in use so that money is gone. We are working in what feels like a film set to me. When he comes in I feel like there is a voice that says stand by, aaaaand ACTION, then I say good morning and we go into normal office conversations. He has not asked about Anthony, or storeroom sessions or money or anything…talk about keeping a girl on her toes. He has sent me to buy him lunch since Monday and told me to keep the change, which I did, it’s not dirty money, right? But the man is either playing a game of trying to see who will crack first or he must really be over it all. In that case I must really be forgettable, I could have sworn I rocked that man’s world in a way that he has never even read about or watched on tv. I don’t know what to make of it. I wonder about it but it’s memories of R’s touch that help me drift off to sleep at night.

I now have to freshen up and wait for my new man Anthony. He might even bring me my favourite fruit juice or something, yaay. I did tell you that I’m now all about the simple things in life. That was today’s update. Be good and there’s more next week.

Till next time…

Secret diary of a Christian whore Entry #4

life lessons with Chipo MutibvuWhoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Proverbs 28;13

Dear diary

This is where I am this week, Proverbs 28:13. I had another meeting with the Pastors’ wives on Sunday after church service. This is when I was supposed to tell them whether I wanted to date Anthony or not. After a luxurious retreat and lots of meditation last week, I had a bit of clarity on where I wanted my life to go. I say “a bit” because I still don’t have complete clarity. I have financial responsibilities that were being supported by my scandalous affairs with the two pastors. My salary as a secretary/ receptionist at the church office barely covers my most basic needs even if I decided to lead the cheapest life possible. But it’s not me that I am worried about, it’s my family. My parents live on the money I give them every month and my little sister’s education is paid for by what I make. I am literally carrying my family’s welfare between my legs.

On Sunday I told the ladies at our meeting that I wanted to get to know Anthony and pray about it some more. I couldn’t just dive into being his girlfriend because I wanted to get rid of all the skeletons in my closet. We talked for a bit and then Anthony was called in and was told that I wanted to be friends only for the time being.  He was beyond ecstatic I could tell. I actually felt sorry for him because whatever feelings he has for me, I have none of the same kind for him. But I want to start living a very different life from the one I’ve been living. I am not sure that I could ever actually confess my sins to anybody except in this diary but I can at least learn to love Anthony and try to never go back to my sinful ways. Of course my mind and body are not in tune. The more I try to clean up my act and not let any man touch me, the dirtier my thoughts get. My body had grown accustomed to being fed the sleezy pleasures of the proverbial forbidden fruit. I literally have to grit my teeth in order to get my body to just cool down and and obey reason. I have been walking like a person in a trance ever since I decided to “detox” my behaviour. The only thing that “sobers” me up is seeing Anthony or getting a text from him. He is so excited and that makes me feel guilty and I temporarily stop thinking dirty thoughts. If all else fails, guilt will get me through this turmoil.

In my quest to renounce my sins I went and spoke to Pastor E on Monday. I told him that I now had an opportunity to have an honest relationship with a man and that we both needed to repent and start walking on the right path. He didn’t give me a response but just threw a bundle of notes on my desk as he walked out. He must have “missed me” a lot since I was away the whole of last week. The right thing to do of course would have been to keep it and then give back to him and tell him again that this was all over and I didn’t want any of his dirty money. Believe me that’s exactly what I wanted to do and I still want to give it back but for now, after paying all my bills and my family’s I have absolutely no money for anything. So I used some of the money that I got on Monday and I still have the rest but there are still other things to take care of. I can feel you already judging me but don’t tell me you don’t know about Murphy’s law. There are times when everything that can possibly go wrong in your life actually does. This month has been one of those months. There were repairs to be made, I still haven’t even collected my phone that broke after I dropped it last week and many more things that needed money. The truth is, this money couldn’t have come at a better time. Anyway, before you judge me too much I am proud to announce that I SAID NO to his advances yesterday!!!! So I have been untouched since I came back from my retreat. I feel so clean and I actually feel myself revirginising. It still remains to be seen what will happen later today when Pastor R comes for choir practice. My body wants him to get here early so that we can have a session but my mind is hoping Anthony gets here before him so that nothing scandalous happens. I know that many relate to this struggle between the body and mind. Wish me luck because just the thought of Pastor R’s scent makes me a bit dizzy. I am actually wondering whether I should freshen up and look nice. I can lie to myself that it’s just for me to feel good but at the back of my head I know and you do too that I want to look nice for him. So maybe I shouldn’t freshen up today before choir…I don’t know. I’ll see how I feel at around 4. But I still want to renounce my sins and find mercy, I really really do. I will fill in on what happens next week…

Till next time

How to get through long-term unemployment without losing your mind

Some of the most painful experiences that I go through in my life usually turn out to be the most educational. I have been blessed with the curse of being one of those people who need to try things a couple of times before getting them right. One of those things is employment. While some people sail from university or college, straight to their first job, I had to go through job application after job application, interview after interview and month-end after month-end of not expecting a salary . I am sure if you have experienced unemployment for a long time you know about the depression, the shame, being broke and simply just feeling like a complete loser. Well, from a pro in the ‘waiting for a great job’ industry, let me tell you, nothing can ever teach you life lessons quite like unemployment can. I have listed some coping mechanisms and of course many of these depend on a number of factors such as such;

  1. Which country you are in. In countries that provide unemployment grants being unemployed means you don’t really have the life you want but you can at least buy some bread.
  2. If you have some kind of support financially. People who live with family and have people to pay the bills while they get their lives together have it a little easy.

Life lessons with Chipo Mutibvu

I have listed some tips that might help you cope with your dry seasons.

WHAT TO DO

  1. Accept and adopt a low budget lifestyle. This is perhaps one of the most difficult things about unemployment, not being able to afford all the things you were used to. Lifestyle changes include things like using public transport instead of your car, coming up with new hobbies that won’t cost you a lot of money and hanging out at places that you can enjoy without worrying too much about the cost. Excuse yourself when your employed friends are going out to do expensive activities. For instance, if you like outdoor fun, don’t sulk because you can’t go skydiving. It’s expensive, instead, go hiking. All you need is a bottle of water and a light snack and bam, you are on your way to burning calories and having lots of fun on the way!!! Another simple example is, don’t go for lunch with friends at expensive restaurants. Have a picnic instead. All you need is whatever food you already have in your home and a blanket!! Save whatever money you have for emergencies and job hunting because you know you don’t have a salary coming at the end of the month.                                                                                                                                                              .
  2. Learn to treasure your own company. I’m sure many people who have been through tough times will agree that ‘friends’ tend to be few when the wallet is thin. Sometimes it’s just a matter of them being busier than you are. Or sometimes as I mentioned earlier, you have to excuse yourself from activities that you can’t afford. So you will spend a lot of time on your own. Don’t always wish you were around people. Use the alone time for job hunting, coming up with business ideas or just simply enjoying the midday peace and quiet that happens at home when most people are at work. I used my time to watch tv, when I wasn’t online job hunting, and I discovered useful stuff like TED talks and some very motivational interviews of successful people that they show on daytime TV. This is information that I used to make my job search and my life better.                                                                                                                         .
  3. Stay busy. Part of the depression that comes with unemployment is from the fact that at the end of each day you look at what you have accomplished and there isn’t much. When you are working your boss always has a to-do list for you and all you have to do is meet those deadlines. When you are no longer at work, you have to make your own to-do lists and meet your own deadlines. Of course your to-do list should always include job hunting as a priority. Apart from that do something that you know you will be happy achieving. It could be exercising, household chores, errands, visiting a place of a person,etc. You will realise just how little time you have to do a lot of these things once you start working. So do them now. I live close to the beach but I never go there. Then, when I start working I always wish I had time to take a walk on the beach and pick a few sea shells. Be extra kind to yourself and do a lot of what you enjoy doing because the stresses of job hunting take a lot out of you.  If you can find a hobby that pays you that’s even better. You keep busy and make a bit of money while you job-hunt.                                                                                                             .
  4. Don’t compare your life with anyone else’s. Your time of unemployment is when you will notice people’s success more. Kinda like the way you notice couples holding hands more when you are going through a breakup. You will notice it and it will sting but you have to understand that everyone has to forge their own path in this life. Use your time and energy to map out where you want your life to go and how you will get there. Even if you get the best job in the world there will always be someone out there who will seem to have it better than you. So, avoid living a sad life of discontentment and train yourself to just run your own race, in your own lane at your own pace.                                     .
  5. Job hunt, job hunt and job hunt some more. When you are unemployed your full time job is looking for a job. You won’t receive a response for every application you send out so don’t take non-responses to heart. Don’t stop sending out applications even if you have been to interviews that went well. I once went for an interview and was told that I had gotten the job, I was introduced to other staff members and was shown where I would sit. BUT before the starting day came along I got a call that due to some red tape they had to look for another candidate. Now, imagine if I had stopped going for other interviews or sending out applications! So,until you sign a contract continue to look for a job. Don’t take any rejection personally. You may meet people who are racist, xenophobic, homophobic, sexist or whatever else and some very unfair things may happen but don’t let it get you down. One thing’s for sure, if you suspect that you have been treated unfairly by a hateful person then you wouldn’t want to work with/or for them anyway, right? Be persistent and keep going and more applications you send, the more chances you have for interviews and eventually being hired. Don’t let a day you would have gone to work go by without sending out an application.                                                                                                                                                                         .
  6. Finally and most importantly BE POSITIVE. Attitude in any circumstance determines the outcome. I have seen many unskilled people being hired simply for their positive attitude. Skills can be taught but bad attitudes are tough to change. So find something that keeps you smiling and don’t whine about your unemployment every chance you get. Happy people with great attitudes end up getting jobs in the most unorthodox ways. I hear a lot of models are “discovered” on the street. Imagine if they wore a frown everywhere because things were not going well in their lives! Nobody would be able to approach them. When I was a student I got internships that I didn’t even apply for just by being happy and talking freely to people.  So stay positive, be happy and never whine.

Life lessons with Chipo Mutibvu Head over to my Facebook page for daily motivation: https://www.facebook.com/Life-Lessons-with-Chipo-Mutibvu-772737269514956/timeline/

Secret diary of a Christian whore Entry #3

life lessons with Chipo Mutibvu

Dear diary

I kinda feel like saying, “Like sand through an hour glass, so are the days of our lives” haha. Except, this is not a soapie. It’s my life. Wednesday again. Another offloading session of the drama that seems to follow my life. You may notice that this post is a bit later in the day than the others. I am not at work this week. I am away at a luxury retreat resort but not for the reasons you are probably starting to suspect. I am here to pray and reflect on what I think God wants me to do about Anthony. You see? there is more to my life than sleeping with married pastors in my church so don’t give up on me yet. The retreat is paid for by the church and the resort is quite nice and tranquil. Perfect setting to make this entry.

Last Saturday I had lunch with Pastor R’s wife, Pastor E’s wife, Anthony’s aunt and another church lady. They were all excited about the meeting and were treating me like a princess. I had been told that the lunch was to discuss Brother Anthony’s interest in me and that I was going to meet a family member of his for the first time. I dressed in a beautiful maxi dress and put a flower in my hair. I was looking angelic if I say so myself! I always have a policy that whether or not I like a guy, losing me should feel like a huge loss to him. I wanted to impress his family member even though I wasn’t sure I would accept dating him. I always feel good when I see people looking at me in awe, and feeling like they don’t deserve me. I could tell from the way Anthony’s aunt looked at me that I had achieved this goal. She looked pleasantly shocked at how beautiful I am. I’m not sure whether it was from the fact that she had zero confidence in her nephew since I would be his first girlfriend or I just turned out to be more beautiful than the average girl she is used to seeing. Probably a bit of both. Anthony does seem raw and clueless when it comes to dealing with ladies and I really am hot. Sometimes I look at pictures of myself and I can’t believe how well put-together everything about me is. Yes, God is definitely good at His job!

So, about the lunch on Saturday. I cleaned up and took extra care to look as pure as I would want the woman who marries my son to be one day. I went to the hotel where the older women were waiting for me. They got there about an hour before I got there because they wanted to talk and pray about it before they brought me into it. I was treated to a very expensive meal and they all fussed over me. This is not the way these things go for everyone in the church. It’s just for me, because I am one of the most admired single ladies in church, the most well-known because I work in the church office and the most appreciated for all the “hard work” that I do to keep the church leaders’ jobs running smoothly.They introduced Anthony’s aunt and she then told me that her nephew had told the family about me and how he was interested in dating me. They had all taken time to pray about it and they believed that God’s will would become clearer once they spoke to me and I prayed too. I could see that these women wanted me to hop onto the bandwagon of marital bliss .They swore it was the biggest blessing a woman could receive from God. They said that I would be blessed to find a man who is as loyal and loving as Anthony. Mrs R even shared some details about her birthday getaway the previous week and told us all that having the right man by one’s side, a man like Pastor R, makes everything in life beautiful. The women giggled like school girls as they talked about pleasures of the “bedroom life”. Of course they did not go into detail because this was now just chit chat. I was not there yet and they would get to all that when the time for me to indulge in bedroom activities came. They said even if they told me about it I wouldn’t quite get it because it’s one of those experiences that one has to go through first-hand. “Pure young women” like me still had a long way to go till we came to that. Mrs E was very vocal about the matter and confirmed that their marriages were made beautiful by bedroom blessings. I was just sitting there, looking at her like, “Woman, you haven’t received or given any bedroom blessings in a very very very long time”. Then again, she could be getting them from elsewhere since her husband is getting his from me. You see, it’s these kinds of games that just make want to stay on the wretched path because at least I am not kidding myself that I am all that my husband wants in a woman. I am not going around making a fool of myself smiling at women who have given my husband wilder orgasms that I have. The women told me that I should not give them an answer before I take some time to pray and reflect on what I want and what I think God wants for my life, hence the retreat.

So, these are my options;

  • If I decide to go on the straight and narrow path I have to give up my flat, my car and all the gifts that I received from my bed buddies. I would have to transfer my little sister from the school that I enrolled her into and that “the church was paying for” and look for something that I can afford. Wait, I can’t afford any school with my salary and my parents are unemployed so I would have to keep her at home until I get my turn on the waiting list of donors who sponsor a child. That depends on the availability of such good samaritan. I can’t even start to go into processes of getting government aid because that takes up to a year to receive attention. In either case, my sister would have to go into a school that has few overworked teachers who have very little resources to use. I would have to explain to my sister and my parents and many other people why this had to be done. She is great at swimming and she loves it but she would have to give that up too. I would have to start using public transport and shop from second hand stores when they are done selling all the nice clothes and they are only left with what they can’t sell because that would be the only stuff I would afford. I would devote my heart and life to Anthony and he would have to be the only man I share my bed with. All secret burning desires for Pastor R would have to stop. You get it, I would have to become a completely new person. I would either be happier because my heart would feel lighter from unburdening myself of all my sins or I would be frustrated at myself for leaving a good life that was working for my whole family.

OR

  • I could take Anthony to secure my future marital prospects because I am not getting any younger and I won’t be this hot forever. I would keep my usual playmates and continue to get a bit of money to keep my sister in school and my family fed. I could really give Anthony the best I have to offer in the kitchen, bedroom and life in general and still have this other life going. The pastors seem to be managing well and their wives seem to be happy enough. TLife lessons with Chipo Mutibvuhis would keep a lot of people happy. Truth be told I don’t really think that drinking only from Anthony’s cup in the bedroom would quench my thirst completely. I know he would be happy with me because I am gifted in that department. But Anthony would do nothing for me, even after I school him. BUT believe it or not I actually do want to get right with God. In spite of the fact that I love money so much, I love sex so much, I find pleasure with another woman’s husband so much and all the other things that can be added to my sin list. I want to get right with God and be everything that the Bible says I should be. The pattern that I have fallen into weighs heavily on me and my conscience pulls me in another direction. And yes, I do have a conscience. I have just trained myself to give it a back seat in my decision-making.

My 5-day retreat ends on Friday. I will meet with the women again on Sunday after church service and tell them what I have decided. A week from now I could be a changed woman, Poor dressed, probably hungry but upright and on my way to a clean engagement with Anthony. Or I could be talking about some stemay session with one of my regulars or even another recruit. Who knows. I still have 2 days to plan my next move.

Till next time