On Monday night I had a dream. In the dream, I was at a gathering where there was an enormous crowd and I was at the very back. Upfront, there was an alter and there was a man standing there in a dazzling white suit. I stood there trying to make sense of what was happening when some music came on and all of a sudden everyone looked back at me and started urging me to start walking “down the isle”. So this was my wedding day apparently! Everyone was yelling stuff like, “what are you waiting for?”, “what is wrong with her”, don’t you want to get married?”, “why did they invite us here if they are not serious?”. So I realised that this was the time for me to do my walk down the isle to my future husband. I wasn’t even sure who that was up there with the dazzling white suit. I looked down to see what my dress looked like but alas, there was no dress, I was naked!!! I couldn’t stop walking because people behind me where telling me to go forward and everyone kept looking at me going, “Why do you look surprised?” this is how you lived your life, shameless”, “Hey keep walking don’t waste our time”, “Who could have guessed what she was doing all this time!” I looked up and the groom turned out to be Anthony who kept smiling and looked so happy to see me. He didn’t even seem to notice that I was naked. The more I walked the longer the distance between us got. I just didn’t seem to get there. He kept on looking, kept on smiling and I kept on walking with confusion and embarrassment and the crowd kept on yelling comments. Eventually I realised that there was no way I was going to reach the alter because the distance kept increasing. I stopped and as I did, a man came out of the crowd and stood before me. He was wearing a white gown and he looked kind of superhuman. I suppose he was my idea of what God looks like. So just like that the whole thing turned into my judgement day. The man asked me if I was seriously going to go through it after everything I had done. I felt more naked than ever and the whole place went dead quiet. I just stood there wishing to disappear while everyone stared at me accusingly. After that, I have never felt so relieved to hear my alarm. So I woke up, completely stunned by how real the dream felt.
I went through the day yesterday in some kind of trance. Things happened around me and somehow I just went through it all of it like a robot. I avoided Anthony and told him that some friends were meeting me after work so I couldn’t see him. Even Pastor E who doesn’t really do emotions asked me if something was wrong. I couldn’t really say what was wrong. I didn’t know how to put it into words because I wasn’t sure what really the matter. I understood that the most obvious thing there was guilt of taking Anthony, pure as he was, and defile him with my dirty past. Being a Christian I understand that if we really repent our sins are forgiven and we are given a clean slate to start on. I know that but reconciling it with my reality is just difficult. I am upping my game in prayer and trying to forgive myself and make a fresh start with a single man who can give me the right kind of attention. Yesterday I was busy trying to figure out a way to continue to put my past behind me and move forward. As I was doing that I received an email with my sister’s fees for next year. I have no way of affording it with my new life by the way but I decided to put it aside for now and focus on the present.
The truth is I can’t do it alone. I need someone to talk to. It can’t be someone from church because I most definitely cannot spill the tea about my activities. The only two people that I can actually talk to are the man who I had my dirty deals with. I really really really have to talk to someone because I am confused and feel guilty. I am still deciding who between E and R to talk to about it. Maybe E because he poses the least temptation. I will try to talk to him today before he goes home because if R comes and I am still this mess, I know I might fall. Speaking of R, knowing that he is coming today and this is the day of the week that we would have done a marathon to last a week just makes me sad. Honestly, this living right is too much work. Anyway, I probably should start planning my talk with E about my dreams, my guilt and thoughts about the past. Wish me luck. I’m seeing all three of my men today and I must leave with one who has only shaken my hand and hasn’t stimulated anything in me. Wish me luck.
Till next time…