I thought I’d write this especially for payday weekend as I know that many will be hosting or attending house parties or braais. I love all my friends and family, well most of them anyway, and occasionally I like to get together with them, throw some meat on the braai stand, down a few drinks (or a lot, my pocket decides), twerk off a few pounds on the dance floor and just have a good time. What could possibly go wrong with that, right? Well if you’re being honest, there is always that one friend whose habits always have you asking yourself, “Why do I keep inviting this person?!”
- This has to be the first one because this gets to me the most, you bring a bottle of Fanta (or whatever people who don’t drink alcohol drink) but you want to drink Johnnie Walker! Look at it this way, 2 litres of Fanta is R13 and a litre of Johnnie Walker Black Label is R320.Need I say more? Probably not, but I’ll say this anyway, if you insist on being cheap then drink your cheap ass drinks!
- You don’t bring anything, ALL THE TIME! Ok, unemployed friends are excused from this one but if your ass is earning a salary and your tummy is filling with food and drink that other people bought then you’d better bring something.
- You don’t bring meat. Rolls are R2 each so if I host a braai I can buy more rolls than everybody’s tummy can take. When I say bring something to share I mean the expensive stuff, you know like THE MEAT.
- You don’t help with anything. Nothing, can’t even lift a finger to pass the plate of chips around!
- You never actually pitch to any of the braais that you are invited to and when you are not invited you bitch about it. Let’s make it official today, you are uninvited to future braais if you haven’t pitched for the last 2 that you were invited to. Ain’t nobody got money to waste calling or texting your absentee ass or factoring you in when I buy food that’ll just go to waste.
- You show your face for 2 seconds and then you leave, EACH TIME. This is the same as not coming, just save me the energy of getting up to open the door for you, stay at home.
- You can’t hold your liqour. My house is not where you come to test your limit of how much alcohol you can take. Drink, have fun but don’t let it get to a point where you puke all over my floors or furniture. Stick to what you know you can handle and conduct experiments at your own house. Also, no fighting or any unpleasantness like that in my house.
- You are simply boring. There are people who don’t dance, don’t talk much, don’t get up to do anything, they just come and blend in with the furniture. I love such people maybe at the office or church or some other place like that. In fact you’d be a great companion for when I go to the library but when it’s time to party just sitting there and doing nothing will definitely be a great way to make sure you are not invited again.
- You fancy yourself a journalist. You are not invited to my parties to come and see what’s happening and then talk about it out there later. There are worse people who want to take pics of everyone, even people they don’t know. When I have fun I don’t always want to worry who is watching and who might possibly pass around a video of me drunk-dancing. What happens at a braai stays there.
- You play the chaperone. I left high school a long time ago. That is when I needed to be told about the dangers of drinking and smoking and what is decent dressing etc. Now, I’m a grown ass woman and the last thing I need is someone lecturing me about responsible drinking and what is appropriate. Sit your righteous ass down and just let people have fun.
Other than the above, I love throwing and attending house parties. For an invite to my next one, if you don’t have the annoying traits mentioned above, go and like my Facebook page : https://www.facebook.com/Life-Lessons-with-Chipo-Mutibvu-772737269514956/.