Would God blame me if I stopped believing in Him?

confused about God

I am a Christian, who chose to be Christian and who wants to wake up each day with renewed strength and faith. I have never wanted anything more than to love God, trust in Him and always feel loved by Him. I believe that loving someone and not letting that person know or feel it is wasting love. It’s pointless. I sit here, at a crossroads. I have read inspirational quotes and prayers, I have invited God into my life and heart and yet I feel my love is unrequited. The more I pray the more I feel like I am just throwing words into the air, trying to trick myself into believing that there is someone who is listening and who will comfort me. I have had people help me, I used to think that this was an answer to my prayers but it’s increasingly seeming to me like they are just kind humans, not agents responding to God’s call to help. I don’t want to feel like this, but this business of someone who claims to love me telling me that I must praise them and keep strong while I suffer so that one day they may show their glory is beginning to feel very sadistic to me. Suffer and praise me until I feel like helping you even though I can just speak and your whole like will be a billion times better?

He loved us so much that He gave His only son to be battered and spat on by the people He created. There is no greater love. None. He has a plan for us. Plan to prosper us.Well, He could have prevented His own son from suffering but did He? He is the one who created heaven and earth and He could change any laws, including the law that required that a lamb be slaughtered as sacrifice. His own son begged Him to change His mind when He was scared and wanted the cup to pass but did He change His mind? No. He went ahead with the plan for His son to be brutalised. I am to believe that the same God who let this be done to his own blood hears me when I ask Him to free me from suffering. He could have given everyone amnesia and they could have forgotten that they were about to murder Jesus and life could have carried on. Better yet, He could just not have made a decision that involved anybody suffering, least of all His own son! This is the God who says ask me and I shall give you. Knock on my door and I will open for you. But wait… to add spice to it you could throw in a bit of suffering, you could fast. Go without food even if you get hungry and weak so that I can really see that you are devoted to me then ask and I will give you. Well, people do fast and pray and when they knock and no doors are opened God says your thoughts are not my thoughts and your ways are not my ways. Or maybe the door will be opened one day , just keep knocking, I will open in my time not yours. Let’s see those knuckles bleed from knocking THEN if it’s in my plan for your life I will open. Really?

I can see that you are in pain, from a disease that you could not have prevented but forget the pain, plant your knees in the ground and worship me. Shout my praises on top of your lungs even if your body is weak from hunger because no matter how hard you are working you are failing to put food on your table. Forget all that, go to church and sing about how excellent I am.

God apparently talks to us through His word. The same words that billions have locked horns over because a lot of it is vague and can be interpreted in many different conflicting ways. There are good people who are genuinely praying for the souls of gay people because the word has said God hates homosexuals. Then there are Christian gay people who are praying for the souls of those who pray for them because they genuinely believe that in the eyes of God love is love and those who are not tolerant will burn in hell. I am not going to go into arguments given by both sides but I can say that there are compelling arguments on both sides and the word has created so many divisions from people who, like me, just want to love Him and follow Him. Does He make it any easier for people to just understand what exactly He wants people to do or not to do? No. People must suffer, butt heads and hope that they get into heaven, where they will be eternally happy sitting at the right hand of the Father. People are divided over which day of the week to worship together, polygamy or monogamy, marrying or not marrying, how to dress, what to eat and what not to eat, whether God actually exists or not…the list is endless. All these people are desperately just trying to please God. The confusion has created and deepened hatred over the children of one God. The ones who should be privileged because they are the children of the king of kings. They are royalty.

People do all sorts of things because “God spoke to them.” There are some who commit horrible crimes because they genuinely believe that what they thought was God’s voice was speaking to them. They can go to the word and back up their story with one scripture on another. I am not talking about people with diagnosed with mental illnesses but healthy people. After all famopus “men and women of God” who we love so much who preach the word often talk about God speaking to them or leading them to do something. How is one not to believe the small voice in their mind when God has not made everything clear by simplifying the way He speaks to us. He created us, He knows our IQs and what can be easily understood. Why must I sit with a decision and wonder whether or not it’s God trying to tell me something? Just flippin’ say, ” Hey Chipo this is God, your Father, I want you to do this and that. Any questions? Cool. Love ya.” That’s not so hard is it? But no, our thoughts are not His thoughts and our ways are not His ways. Brilliant, so if we have ways and thoughts that are so different what is the point really? For us to change our ways so that we start going with His ways. Ok you wanna ask Job how living life according to God’s ways worked out for Him? God used Him, in an argument with His nemesis, just to show the other guy how commit ed His people were to Him. As Christians we are often advised to take the high road and ignore those who try to vex us. Did God ignore the devil? No. He gave Job disease, destroyed Job’s hard earned wealth, killed Job ‘s loved ones, just to prove a point to an inferior being who He has the power to just destroy and get it over with. He chose to destroy, instead, a man who loved Him dearly. I must follow Job’s example and risk one day going through all that suffering. Why? Why is suffering always part of the package? Why would you bring something to existence and sit back and watch it suffer? We arrest people for being cruel to cats and dogs while our maker freely watches us suffer over years and years and it’s ok because He is trying to teach us something and it’s all part of his plan to prosper us.

Speaking about God’s plans for each one of us, I see women carrying babies and excitedly preparing for children who will be born dead or will die within days or weeks of birth. I see women who tried their best to live according to the word and got married and now they want children but will never have them. The word tells them to have faith, the whole mustard seed thing and some do have faith faith because Sarah had a child in her old age but they end up dying childless. We see others being given children they don’t want and they kill or abuse them. Where do I even begin to talk about diseases? I am talking horrible diseases that plague people for the whole duration of their lives and there is a lot of pain and suffering of the patients and those around them. How about little children in unsanitary refugee camps? I am supposed to read stories about people who were eventually pulled out of difficult situations by God. The same God who had the power to stop the bad stuff from happening in the first place? I am supposed to keep my faith while I watch other people who had faith dying before what they were praying for happened? But wait, remember, He has a plan.

I realised now that this must be a whole book not just a blog post. So much suffering going on amoung those who believe. And the slap in the face? Atheists don’t believe or praise his name and still  many of them prosper. Christians are supposed to watch from afar and take comfort in knowing that they will find joy in heaven one day. They will, if they even make it into heaven because they sin daily. You think bad thoughts you have sinned. So daily you sin and daily you suffer then daily you must praise God and hope that He lets your sinful sorry ass into heaven one day. Non believers never have the frustration of feeling ignored by their heavenly Father. They don’t have faith when they work hard and pray hard God will reward them.  They don’t have to sit there  and feel like our Father favours some people more than others. They just live.

 

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Mom’s story of stroke and dementia

mom for generousity

The most difficult question I’ve ever asked anyone was what I have to ask my mom from time to time, “Do you know who I am?” This is the woman who gave birth to me, the woman who, until now, knew me better than I knew myself. Now she asks who “that woman” is when she sees a picture of herself. Then she wants to shake my hand but she keeps forgetting that she can’t raise her right arm anymore because of the stroke she had 2 months ago. She can’t get up on her own, go to the toilet, dress herself, feed herself and so forth. This is a woman who raised 4 children on her own but who can barely swallow a sip of water without difficulty.

I am appealing to well wishers to help us with funds to help take care of my mom, Esnath Mutibvu. She has vascular dementia, a stroke on her right side and has a mass on her brain that doctors (GPs)say they can’t do much about. They say she is at risk of getting more strokes and is also at risk of different kinds of infections because of immobility. Medically, it would be best for us to find a good neurologist who can give us specialised care  and eliminate some problems that are treatable in order to avoid unnecessary suffering. In the meantime we are relying on public facilities that are scarce and short of medical staff. Her mind is not completely gone and if there is  way to help her walk again and regain some of the physical functions she has lost it would be great.

She cannot be alone. She needs 24/7 nursing care and I, being the only child that lives with her, cannot work and support us if I have to be at home to take care of her. I have one brother who is trying his best but cannot afford it all. We lost 2 brothers already so our family is now just the 3 of us. Our family has been plagued by so much disease and death that I am fighting back the only way I know how. Being a chronic pain sufferer as a result of a condition called Anorld Chiari Malformation myself doing everything on m own is difficult. Unfortunately she will need care for the rest of her life and there is no telling how long that will be. Good care facilities go for approximately R11 000 per month. This will include daily physio, meals, a double room and nursing care, As she is in a delicate state of health, money will always be needed to make sure that if anything comes up she gets the best care.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes, waking up sometimes and not recognising her surroundings and not understanding why she can’t turn herself or even sit up as she used to do. It must be scary as hell. Then she sometimes becomes lucid and remembers that her mind is playing tricks on her and her body is failing. The heartbreak she goes through each time is shuttering. At 73, it’s amazing how much she still wants to achieve many  more things in life. Her prayers to get better have motivated me to start this campaign so that she gets the most that’s attainable to make her life better and comfortable.

Growing up, I never imagined that one day like would throw a situation my way that would make me hope complete strangers would help me, yet here I am. It’s painful and very humbling but I can’t stand by and watch the love of my life suffer more than can be avoided.

It’s difficult to set an amount of ongoing support. For now I will set a target of $50,000 for a good care facility and neurological fees and treatments. I would like to try everything humanly possible to save her life because she has jumped through hoops to make me who I am. She has also helped many people over the years although she didn’t have plenty herself. She deserves every fight in me.

If there is anyone who wants to get in touch with me, please contact me via email: misschipo@gmail.com or if you prefer via phone it’s +27835609299. The best way to donate is via this site but Moneygram and Western Union are also options. Well wishers in Zimbabwe can transfer funds to ecocash number  0776965918. Do send me  a message if you donate so I can thank you personally and give you updates about her progress. Thank you. Follow the link below to donate.

https://www.generosity.com/medical-fundraising/help-her-fight-dementia-with-dignity/x/17095678

When death is a blessing. RIP Jerika Bolen

Think about all your fears. You will notice that they all have to do with something big, permanent/ final and most of the time something that affects many people. I have been in pain for almost 2 years now. In … Continue reading

God uses what you already have to help you.

God uses what you have to help you

Whether you believe in God/the bible or not, keep on reading, there is something for you in this article.

In the bible, in 2 Kings 4 verse 1 to 7 there is a story about a widow who went to Prophet Elisha and told him that her husband’s creditors were about to take her sons into slavery because she had no money to pay them. Elisha said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” The lady said she had nothing but a jar of olive oil and God multiplied that oil so that she had enough oil to settle her debt and some more to live on.

So, if you are a believer, think about what you want God to do for you. I am sure that one is easy and I’m sure there is a whole list of requests. Now, think about what you have that God can use to help you. Everyone has something. The widow thought she had nothing because she didn’t really think that a jar of oil would help much but that jar of oil was all God needed to help her get out of a difficult situation. I flunked out of uni and was left with nothing but my gift of words, I can talk and I can write. At the time that I found myself with no friends, family, money, opportunities, ideas and in the harshest economic climate I’d ever experienced. This gift seemed like nothing really. It took me three years to then talk and write my way out of my situation and now when I look back I realise that I did not catch a lucky break, God used the gift that He had already given me to promote me. Of course, it took a lot of knocking on the wrong doors at first, until one day, just as the widow ended up knocking on Elisha’s door; I knocked on the right ones and my gifts were put to use.

Whether you believe in God or not, you already have something that you can use to change your life for the better. If you want a job, you probably have some education or else you wouldn’t be reading this. Even if you have nothing but a little education you must have some skill. It could be doing hair and/nails, telling jokes, cleaning, an eye for fashion, an ear for music, a good singing voice, persuasion skills, fitness enthusiasm, a passion for caring for the sick, etc. No one was born with absolutely nothing that can help. The key is identifying it and knocking on the right door where you can get help to make it into something big. I know people who use their illnesses or tragedigod uses what you have to help you 2es to write books, make videos that they use to make money and help other people in similar circumstances. So if you think you have nothing but problems, finding solutions to those problems can be the solution to your whole situation. That’s how a lot of organisations are formed, someone identified a problem that needed a solution and formed an organisation that is all about solving that type of problem.

If you are still trying to figure out how to get what you want for this year and beyond, I hope this helps. Just start by thinking, “what do I have?”

Like my Facebook page and get more tips and inspiration for navigating through life’s joys and challenges. https://www.facebook.com/Life-Lessons-with-Chipo-Mutibvu-772737269514956/

Best wishes!!!