Sometimes we walk straight into the rain and we just cannot figure out why we are getting wet. If you have been dating a guy for 3 or 4 or 5 years or more and you know that he knows that you are ripe and ready for marriage but won’t act, you might want to open your eyes and realise that you are getting wet because you are standing in the flipping rain!
I get that there are people who go for decades without tying the knot because that’s what they prefer, people like Oprah and her dude. That’s fine. I’m progressive and all that but if you know that you want that ring and it ain’t coming, you need to start thinking about what you are doing wrong, not him, YOU!. So let me let me explain to you what rain you are standing in that’s causing this situation that you’re in right now. Why the hell is he not making “an honest woman” out of you (whatever that means)?
- You have given him the meat, the milk, the cowhide (ie. cow skin, I learnt a new word, hehe), and the manure so why should he now buy the cow? I’m going to take some time with this one because it is the biggest one. He already has everything! This is especially true for those who are living together. You cook his meals, do his laundry, clean up after him, give him bedroom action, some have already had a kid or two and you are STILL wondering why he is not marrying you? Life is already going on awesomely, I wouldn’t do anything either in a situation like that. If it’s not broken why fix it, right? Even if you are not the cooking and cleaning type the point is you are already living “ever after” together. Who has money to go and buy a ring when there are diapers to be bought? Some ladies are even taking care of these guys, he drives your car, he lives in your house and eats your food, what in all that gives you the indication that he will want to change that? Even if you are not living together there are couples that are “as good as married”. The “in-laws” call you to help out at family functions and you go there and run around with an apron like you are part of the family. Where I come from (Zimbabwe) it is the job of the daughters-in-law (varoora/makoti) to serve everyone during family functions. They wake up before everyone else to make sure that there is hot water for everyone’s bath, food, etc and after all that they clean up and start preparing for the next meal and so on. Their job is not to celebrate at parties or mourn at funerals, they are there to work. So if you have already joined these ladies before you are married what would motivate him to marry you? Some relatives might not even know that you are not married yet because you are always there. Back home daughters-in-law call their husbands’ sisters “tete” (aunt) and other titles for his other relatives. Understand this ladies, if her brother has not put a ring on it that woman is NOT your tete just as you are not Mrs anybody. If you decide to go to any family functions (because it’s good for you to get to know them and vise versa) get there and find a chair and sit your ass down! Don’t accept an apron from anybody. You can help set tables or gather the dishes just as you would if you went to a friend’s house but you are doing it because you want to and it’s just nice to help BUT it’s not your duty. And don’t avail yourself to all family gatherings, you are not a part of that family yet. Don’t let them forget that little fact because you will be celebrating your child’s wedding before your own if you let it go on like that.
- You have shown him that it is ok to prioritise other things, not the ring. They say people will treat you the way you allow them to. By sticking around and being told that it will happen as soon as he is done with this and that then this and that comes and passes and still no ring, you are sending him the message that not following through with his promises has absolutely no consequences. Even in the above-mentioned situation with families, refuse to be made part of things that only take away from you and never add anything that you want for your life. I will tell you right now, there will always be a very good reason to delay it for another couple of months, which will turn into a year, then another 2… You need to demand to at the top of that list of priorities or go elsewhere where marrying you will be a priority not an option for that person because they love you and they want to be with you in a way that makes you happy.
- He knows you are not going anywhere. I do not subscribe to the notion that we have “soulmates” (that’s a blog post for another day) but it is this idea that our souls are tied to another person so intricately that we cannot separate ourselves from them that causes people to stay in unhappy relationships. What if your “soulmate” starts to hit you? what if they rape you? then what? You stay because your souls are tied? The man who won’t marry you knows that you have convinced yourself that the two of you are soulmates so he is not in a hurry to do anything because he knows you won’t leave. Your soul and your happiness should not be irrevocably tied to anybody, tie them to a goal. Human beings are fickle, they sometimes don’t do what they say they will do and you will always live your life hoping that someone makes you happy. If you want to get married and you have made it clear to him and he has shown you that he is still busy with other things, leave! He may be the finest man on earth, he may be doing this and that for you but one day you may resent him for not making it happen for you when you wanted it to happen. You have to realise now that he should not have the power to make things happen for you. If marriage is not on his immediate itinerary but it’s on yours, dive back into the sea and find someone with the same life goals as yours.
- You are not clear and firm about what you want. Dealing with people generally is like dealing with kids. If you tell a child that if they don’t eat their dinner they won’t have dessert but they test you and decide not to eat, come dessert time if you feel sorry for them and give them that ice cream anyway, you are just setting precedent for other things to come. They will only do their homework when they want to, bath when they want to, etc. It might be a good idea for you to mention in your early conversations that you want to get married, hopefully BEFORE the second coming of Christ. Not the first date, obviously, but make it known to him and live by it. It will help to be the same way with any other big decisions in your relationship. If today you say no dessert but you then give him the ice cream anyway he is going to know how to get you to do things the way he wants them and on his schedule because you are wishy-washy.
- You are easily pacified. You need to take charge of your life and demand not to have your time wasted! If he gives you a promise ring, then a 3 year engagement, then a promise-to-end the-engagement ring he has already figured you out. You will take an onion ring if he gives it to you because anything will make you smile and go another 6 months without talking about the issue. Frankly, I think promise rings are cute in high school or very early twenties. You can’t come to me at thirty and “promise” to marry me, JUST DO IT ALREADY! Use that money to buy a motherf***ing engagement ring and not more than 6 months later let’s call the marriage officer and make an appointment. Promise ring! Promise him that you will go and never look back and don’t mean it as a threat, do it if you have to. Life is short, ain’t nobody got time for promise rings and 3 year promises!
- HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! I hate cliches but when they say where there is a will there is a way they are not playing. Watch the movie if you don’t believe me. Men find ways to watch every game they want to watch during the world cup even if they have to lose their jobs to do so. Even if they have to drive 5 hours to catch the game, they will do what it takes to get what they want. If he wanted to marry you he would have done it 2 years ago. People get married on their sick beds in hospitals, they get married to someone in jail, they get married under any damn circumstances if they want to. Whatever you are being told is the lie that you know is complete hogwash and the truth that I am telling you today is that if he wanted to marry you, he would have done it. I know this is a lot to take in but keep calm and grab a chocolate bar, then go and tell him that you don’t have another 5 years to play this game with him!