Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Proverbs 28;13
Dear diary
This is where I am this week, Proverbs 28:13. I had another meeting with the Pastors’ wives on Sunday after church service. This is when I was supposed to tell them whether I wanted to date Anthony or not. After a luxurious retreat and lots of meditation last week, I had a bit of clarity on where I wanted my life to go. I say “a bit” because I still don’t have complete clarity. I have financial responsibilities that were being supported by my scandalous affairs with the two pastors. My salary as a secretary/ receptionist at the church office barely covers my most basic needs even if I decided to lead the cheapest life possible. But it’s not me that I am worried about, it’s my family. My parents live on the money I give them every month and my little sister’s education is paid for by what I make. I am literally carrying my family’s welfare between my legs.
On Sunday I told the ladies at our meeting that I wanted to get to know Anthony and pray about it some more. I couldn’t just dive into being his girlfriend because I wanted to get rid of all the skeletons in my closet. We talked for a bit and then Anthony was called in and was told that I wanted to be friends only for the time being. He was beyond ecstatic I could tell. I actually felt sorry for him because whatever feelings he has for me, I have none of the same kind for him. But I want to start living a very different life from the one I’ve been living. I am not sure that I could ever actually confess my sins to anybody except in this diary but I can at least learn to love Anthony and try to never go back to my sinful ways. Of course my mind and body are not in tune. The more I try to clean up my act and not let any man touch me, the dirtier my thoughts get. My body had grown accustomed to being fed the sleezy pleasures of the proverbial forbidden fruit. I literally have to grit my teeth in order to get my body to just cool down and and obey reason. I have been walking like a person in a trance ever since I decided to “detox” my behaviour. The only thing that “sobers” me up is seeing Anthony or getting a text from him. He is so excited and that makes me feel guilty and I temporarily stop thinking dirty thoughts. If all else fails, guilt will get me through this turmoil.
In my quest to renounce my sins I went and spoke to Pastor E on Monday. I told him that I now had an opportunity to have an honest relationship with a man and that we both needed to repent and start walking on the right path. He didn’t give me a response but just threw a bundle of notes on my desk as he walked out. He must have “missed me” a lot since I was away the whole of last week. The right thing to do of course would have been to keep it and then give back to him and tell him again that this was all over and I didn’t want any of his dirty money. Believe me that’s exactly what I wanted to do and I still want to give it back but for now, after paying all my bills and my family’s I have absolutely no money for anything. So I used some of the money that I got on Monday and I still have the rest but there are still other things to take care of. I can feel you already judging me but don’t tell me you don’t know about Murphy’s law. There are times when everything that can possibly go wrong in your life actually does. This month has been one of those months. There were repairs to be made, I still haven’t even collected my phone that broke after I dropped it last week and many more things that needed money. The truth is, this money couldn’t have come at a better time. Anyway, before you judge me too much I am proud to announce that I SAID NO to his advances yesterday!!!! So I have been untouched since I came back from my retreat. I feel so clean and I actually feel myself revirginising. It still remains to be seen what will happen later today when Pastor R comes for choir practice. My body wants him to get here early so that we can have a session but my mind is hoping Anthony gets here before him so that nothing scandalous happens. I know that many relate to this struggle between the body and mind. Wish me luck because just the thought of Pastor R’s scent makes me a bit dizzy. I am actually wondering whether I should freshen up and look nice. I can lie to myself that it’s just for me to feel good but at the back of my head I know and you do too that I want to look nice for him. So maybe I shouldn’t freshen up today before choir…I don’t know. I’ll see how I feel at around 4. But I still want to renounce my sins and find mercy, I really really do. I will fill in on what happens next week…
Till next time
Life Lessons with Chipo Mutibvu 